co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.