Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
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I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Good morning.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Grow up never but we old may grow we
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.