Please don鈥檛 block me. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can鈥檛 see my watch
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
marvel comics have peaked
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Him: He鈥檚 just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He鈥檚 more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I鈥檓 starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Today鈥檚 mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
This is not my fort茅. It’s not even my threet茅 if I’m being honest.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Make sure you鈥檙e checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Don鈥檛 you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That鈥檚 why I do it.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must鈥檝e made this before