@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
You Might Also Like
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Mornin
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
being a writer on Twitter:
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁