[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
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me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.