My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
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i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.