This could be us, but you weedin’.
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Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Can Happiness buy money?
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.