Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
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Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
the three branches of government
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally