Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
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It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”