next question.
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Don’t make me out nice you.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread