I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
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I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
I’m pretty like a car crash.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat