I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
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Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.