Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
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My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
this chia pet tastes awful
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut