There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
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Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel