Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
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*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.