So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
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If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
A Short Story.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”