The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
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When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers