My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
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When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
My kitchen overserved me.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.