Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
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The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
How to make infinite energy.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.