At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
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I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”