funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
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*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese