It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
You Might Also Like
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
meanwhile over on facebook
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
$4 #usedbooks
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
These aliens are taking forever.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for