Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
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EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
58.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.