I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
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you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.