M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
You Might Also Like
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
#parenting
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
These dogs look like they have good credit.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.