Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
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It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
We like the way Dwight thinks
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
what does he know…
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??