I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
You Might Also Like
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Body by cheese-puffs.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances