Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
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American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”