My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
You Might Also Like
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.