If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
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For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.