me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
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Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didnβt ever know they were catholic
Teacher: πππ
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Guess an extinguisher wasnβt in the budget
My kid yelled she couldnβt wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says βyour daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?β and the other says βwelllll thereβs a few geese in thereβ and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I donβt know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
iβm taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with βI saw this Tik Tok that saidβ¦β, I know Iβm in for some sound advice
Always a housemaid, never a house.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: umβ¦ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You donβt have a girlfriend.
Wow youβre fast.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?