I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
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Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
i love meeting boys on tinder
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
I love twitter
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house