Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
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Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.