Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
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“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Batman v Dracula
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.