a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
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alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Just had my nails done!
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it