they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
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WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS