Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
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Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.