Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
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My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
i smell a pulitzer
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.