ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
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barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Personal question. #JustSaying
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?