I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
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I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
this could fix me
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words