Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
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GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
The sacred texts.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”