Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
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me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”