Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
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Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of