“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
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the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Cake!!
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I support this random dude and all his protests
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
What even happened today?
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.