[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
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GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Important
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Yeah. This was me today.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.