I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
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Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up