I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
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You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
For anyone who needs this today
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*