I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
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The “baby” on the left….
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down