8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
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Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
I created you as mosquito food.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.