Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
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Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Me too door. Me too.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”